The Barber Of Bag End
by Whisper-norbury
Summary: Dear Mr. Baggins... I am writing in regards to the job for which you advertised your services, and as was relayed to me by a certain wizard by the name of Gandalf the Grey: 'Barber wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward.'


_**NOTE:** An epistolary/letter-form AU fic based on one of my headcanons regarding Dwarf culture!_

* * *

 _To: Mr. Bilbo Baggins_

 _1 Bagshot Row, Hobbiton_

Westfarthing, The Shire

 _March 29_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

I am writing in regards to the job for which you advertised your services, and as was relayed to me by a certain wizard by the name of Gandalf the Grey: _"Barber wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward."_

Such a job has recently become available in the North Halls of the Blue Mountains, where I and my kin reside. Gandalf holds you in quite high regard and personally recommends you for the position. However, while I value his opinion, I would still like to know of your work history and credentials.

Also, I must wonder what the "excitement" you wish to gain might be, as the position of Barber has always been considered a rather somber business.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _To: Mr. Thorin Oakenshield_

 _Thrain's Palace_

 _North Halls, Blue Mountains_

 _April 6_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

I did indeed advertise for the position of Barber, and I am very pleased to hear that Gandalf (who, it seems, is a mutual friend, but please do not let that give you the impression that his opinions are in any way invalid!) has recommended my services to you!

As for my credentials, I believe they will be quite up to your expectations! My mother was a Barber before me, and her father was a barber before her, and so it has been for many generations of the Took Clan; and so I was taught from an early age all of the skills that such a business entails. I have been running my own shop at the Bywater Market for going on twenty years now, and in that time I have made quite a name for myself throughout the whole of the Westfarthing!

I suppose that brings me to the matter of "excitement". See, as I said, I have been plying my trade here amongst the good folks of the Shire for quite a long time, but it follows that after a while the job does tend to get a bit monotonous (even cutting and styling the foot-hair of the locals has begun to wear thin on me). So, I have begun seeking new outlets for my skills.

Upon speaking with Gandalf over tea one day a few months back (when he showed up quite unexpectedly, I might add!), he mentioned that what I might need to get out of the rut was a change of venue. And much to my surprise, what he suggested was that I seek out work in Dwarf-lands! Well, I was not keen on it at the start, but after learning that your people have a much more adventurous spirit with their hair-styling (and, I must admit, the prospect of trimming beards somewhat appealed to me!), I sent out with him my advertisement.

I thank you very much for your consideration, of course, and I assure you that if you do decide to make use of my services, I will be a consummate professional, as I bring with me generations of experience in the business!

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _April 14_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

After having read your letter—and keeping in mind the recommendations of the Wizard—I have decided that I would, in fact, be willing to hire you for the position of Barber on a trial basis. Should your skills be proper and up to par, then you may be offered the job in a more permanent capacity, with the assurance that the "reward", as you put it, will be to your satisfaction.

Still, I must point out that I find it rather strange that your "shop", as you put it, is located in a marketplace. In my experience, the business you are in has ever been a private one, best kept away from the bustle and rush of everyday life. However, I suppose that Hobbits do things much differently than my own people, and there might not be such a stigma attached to your occupation as there is in my own culture.

Regardless, all requisite arrangements will be made immediately, and you may sign the contract upon your arrival here. All travel expenses will be covered for you, and I have gone so far as to arrange for you an escort to see you safely to Ered Luin's North Halls. Watch for two young Dwarves by the names of Fíli and Kíli to meet you at your home with ponies on the twenty-sixth of April—and please note that the trip from your home to our halls should take a week, so be sure to pack accordingly.

I look forward to making your acquaintance, and I hope that your trip will be pleasant.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _April 22_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

I happily accept your offer for employment as Barber for your esteemed halls in the Blue Mountains!

Really, though, the fact that you consider Barbering to have a "stigma" attached to it (and that you believe it is a task best kept to a quiet place) is rather odd to me. For Hobbits, at least, such a thing is considered an opportunity to socialize, and so we Barbers are as much renowned for our conversational skills as for the ones more directly related to our occupation!

Anyway, please accept my assurance that you will be quite pleased with my skill, and that the "trial" will go well for both of us! I look very much forward to meeting with the Misters Fíli and Kíli when they arrive.

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _May 7_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

It has come to my attention that you rather suddenly returned your retainer fee the day before yesterday, then left the North Halls in a haste, bound again for the Shire. I thought that our meeting and interview before the signing of your contract went well, so I am afraid that I do not understand the urgency of your leaving, nor your unwillingness to speak with your employers regarding it.

If there was some important business you needed to attend to back in Hobbiton, then you would certainly have been given a leave of absence had you asked for it. In addition, if you had a grievance with any of the residents of the North Halls, then we could have discussed the matter so to make amends. As it stands, you have left us in the lurch, as we now have no Barber available in the Halls to tend to our needs.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _May 15_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

I do apologize for leaving so suddenly and without a word to you, but when I learned of what the business of "Barbering" for Dwarves truly meant, it was really rather a shock. I'm afraid that I cannot in any way bring myself to complete my term of service with you, as my nerves are not able to handle such a thing!

(Please forgive the many ink-spots on this letter, but my hands are really rather shaky at the moment!)

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _May 23_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

I must remind you that you have a trial contract with us to serve as Barber for a period of no fewer than six months. However, if we have in any way misrepresented what that job entailed, then I sincerely apologize, and would agree that such a thing would nullify said contract.

In the meantime—and while the document is being reviewed—I would at least request that you return here to ply your trade long enough so that we might find another Barber with your level of skill.

You might also note that this letter came to you by way of Raven, rather than by common post. The reason for that is because the situation has become rather urgent, and our correspondences with be much swifter in this manner. I am well aware that you are unable to either understand or speak the bird-language, and so it will be acceptable for you to simply give your return letter to the Raven that brought this one to you.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _May 26_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

It _was_ quite a shock when I found a Raven staring at me through my bedroom window this morning, and I must tell you that I was a bit afraid to come out from under my covers for the look it was giving me past the glass! However, I did eventually notice the paper it held, and so assumed a message of some sort.

Still, I am afraid that is really rather impossible for me to return to the Blue Mountains at this time. I will, however, repay to you any money that have spent on me, including traveling and lodging fees.

Again, please forgive my leaving so suddenly, but I was really quite unprepared for what awaited me in your halls!

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _May 29_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

The arrangement for the return of fees and release from your position, while not ideal, will be accepted on the condition that you explain what exactly it was that you thought had been misrepresented in your contract.

Also, there is a bit of a mystery involving the circumstances of your leaving. It was told to me by Oin that when you were shown to what was to be your place of business, your reaction was quite unbecoming. That is to say, he reported that you turned pale, screamed, and passed out. He said also that when you later awoke, you were behaving rather strangely, and that you asked where you might buy the swiftest pony available.

If you would be so kind to explain those events, I would be quite grateful.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _June 2_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

I suppose an explanation may indeed be in order, and it is this:

When I was hired as a "Barber" for your people, it was in no way explained to me that the word was synonymous with "undertaker". And though the Misters Fíli and Kíli (who, as I understand it, are your nephews, and fine young gentle-dwarves they are!) did make some offhanded references to the "grim and dour" business I was in while we were on our way to your North Halls, I did not make the connection.

Well, then, I was quite frankly unprepared for the moment when I was brought to a room with several people who could not, strictly, be considered to be amongst the living. It was a further shock when I was told that I needed to have two of them ready for burial by the next day, and then was handed what I can only assume were tools for the _preparation_ of said people for interment!

The whole situation was really rather uncomfortable for me, as I'm sure you can understand! I have only just recovered enough that I can sleep at night, and I don't even believe that I will be able to hold a pair of scissors steady for many more weeks.

So, you can now see where my issue is, and I am truly sorry for leaving you, as you said, "in the lurch".

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

P.S. If this letter arrives smudged and streaked, do not fault me! Your Raven pillaged my blackberry bush this morning and made rather a mess of my desk when he dropped a beak-full of berries on it!

* * *

 _June 5_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

I apologize for the Raven's behavior in your garden. I have had a word with him, and he will no longer go near your berry bushes.

And I thank you for your frank explanation of your reasons for leaving the North Halls. I very much regret the miscommunication in regards to the job that was offered to you, as until now I did not understand that your people and mine treated the occupation of "Barber" in such different ways.

For full clarification, while we Dwarves are fond of our hair, and we have been known to have it well-styled and designed, we do not tend to have it actually _cut_ unless we are in mourning. And that, as I am sure you can now see, is the reason the businesses of "Barber" and "Undertaker" were long ago merged in our culture, to the point where the words are now completely interchangeable—and also why I take it upon myself to tend to the the hiring of such professionals.

But though I now understand your reason for leaving, I am myself a bit confused as to why Gandalf thought to recommend you for the position. He has spent much time around my people, and I am sure that _he_ , at least, understood what would be required of you.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _June 8_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

I appreciate your understanding in this matter, and I will certainly be having a long discussion with Gandalf the next time I see him!

But as I have had some time now to think over the situation (and in regret for my rather rude and abrupt leaving!), I think that I would not, in fact, be opposed to returning to the Blue Mountains in the capacity of a Barber, so to give your people the mourning haircuts that I am now aware are traditional for you.

However, my skills only go so far as cutting and styling hair for the _living_! I am in no way either prepared or trained to ready the dead for burial! You will need to find some other individual who can take care of that end of the business. And on that subject (though I am actually rather squeamish about the issue all around, I have my curiosity!), please tell me that those poor fellows that I left behind are not still awaiting their burial.

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

P.S. Your Raven, while not getting into my garden again, did dive at one of my neighbors when she came to my door today. I am afraid the lady is really rather old and easily-startled, so it took me a while to calm her. Sorry to say, I gave your Raven rather a bit of a scolding over it.

* * *

 _June 11_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

Do not worry about the reprimand you gave the Raven, as it is unlikely he understands your language enough to make any sense of it. Also, though his kind are a noble and ancient race, he is quite young, and so is rather impulsive. Again, I will have a word with him.

And as for the state of the dead that you so hastily ran out on—you needn't worry about that, either. For the time being, our previous Barber has come out of retirement so to tend to them. I have spoken to him about your proposition that another take over the grave-tending duties, while you take care of the mourning-cuts, and he is willing to compromise in that regard; as it has ever been the cutting of the hair and trimming of beards which was most difficult for him.

However, he has informed me that if you would like training in how to prepare the dead for burial, he would be happy to take you on as an apprentice, so that you might learn the trade. Would you be interested in such an arrangement?

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _June 14_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

No

* * *

 _June 17_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

While I understand your reluctance to take on such an apprenticeship as I mentioned to you, such a curt reply on your part was uncalled for. I do not think that I have earned such a response from you, regardless as to how much you believe you may have been led astray or wronged in this event. You could simply have told me that you did not agree to the suggested compromise without resorting to such rude behavior.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _June 20_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

You might have a word with your Raven regarding that! As it was certainly _his_ impatience that caused such a short (and, may I say, rather unclear!) message to be sent to you. As noble as that feathered fellow may be, he does not seem to like me in the least. He stares at me constantly while I am writing my letters to you, and he will not leave until I am done! Closing my window, even, does not help, as he will then tap incessantly on the glass, and it is quite maddening!

While I was writing my last letter to you, I was distracted by the whistling of my tea-kettle; and when I went off to tend to it, your bird decided to snatch the letter right off my desk! He then flew off with it before I could call him back so that I could finish it!

He is staring at me now, in fact! He looks really rather mischievous, and I fear that I will have to protect _this_ letter with all of my strength to keep it from being snatched away, as well. So forgive the poor handwriting on my part, as I am writing it in a rush!

Now, if you still care still to read on, I shall tell you what, exactly, I was trying to say in the first place. And that is this:

 _No, thank you! Although I appreciate the offer for apprenticeship, I do not have the constitution (or, frankly, the inclination) to spend any more time around the dead than is absolutely necessary!_

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _June 23_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

Please accept my sincere apologies for the tone of my last letter to you, as the stresses of my office do tend to overwhelm at times and lead me to hasty conclusions.

However, if despite my words you still wish to accept employment in the North Halls, then another contract will be drawn up for you immediately. You are this time encouraged to review the document with counsel before signing, so to avoid any misunderstandings. If you prefer, the contract will this time be brought to you at your home in Hobbiton, so that you may sign it before leaving, and perhaps also have some counselors from amongst your own people review it.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _June 26_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

That will certainly be acceptable, as I very much wish now to have the contract _well_ reviewed before signing!

I also apologize for my own bitterness in my last missive, as it was fueled in no small part by my ire at your Raven's behavior. Really, I cannot make much sense of him, as at times he will be the most infuriating feathered creature I have ever seen, and at others he will be simply present and silent. Oddest still was this morning, when after delivering your most recent letter to me, he flew off and returned some time later with a small stick, which he then proceeded to tap on the desk as if he was himself trying to write!

Yours,

Bilbo Baggins

* * *

 _June 29_

Dear Mr. Baggins,

I am happy that you have again chosen to consider plying your trade in the Dwarf-lands of Ered Luin, and I sincerely hope that this time it works out well for every party involved. On the tenth of July, please be prepared to receive in your home a small company of Dwarves, among whom will be my chief counselor, Balin.

On another subject, I have gone back over our previous correspondences, paying this time greater attention to the mentions you made of the Raven that has been serving as our courier, and I have some news that you may either find welcoming or dismaying. To put it plainly, his actions—bringing you gifts of food, "protecting" you from what he perceived to be an intruder, desiring to be near you when you are separated, being over-eager to please insofar as grabbing the letter when he believed you were finished with it, and imitating your actions—all indicate that he wishes now to serve you, alone.

After realizing this, I spoke with him, and he confirmed that he does indeed desire this. To be chosen so by one of his lineage is a tremendous honor, as he is in direct decent from the most regal of his kind to ever traverse the Blue Mountains. However, it is quite understandable if you do not wish for him to serve you, as your relationship with him to this point has not—from your perspective, at least—been ideal. I am certain I could explain to him your reticence, and that there will be no ill-will from him should you choose not to accept his partnership.

Sincerely,

Thorin Oakenshield

* * *

 _July 3_

My dear Mr. Oakenshield,

When I received your letter this morning, I have to confess that I laughed quite loudly! However, just before lunch there was a ring at my bell and I heard a pair of my rather irksome relations grousing outside; but then this fine feathered fellow perched himself above the door and croaked so piercingly and persistently that he frightened them off!

So, although even month ago I would have invariably declined any kind of arrangement between myself and this Dwarf-raised Raven, I cannot now say that I am opposed to it! And that being settled (and barring any more unpleasant surprises), I now look very much forward to serving as Barber for your Halls in the Blue Mountains!

I remain yours,

Bilbo Baggins

(Former Barber of Bag End)

* * *

 _ **NOTE:** I welcome (read: encourage!) others to take this idea and run with it! I'd love to read whatever you come up with!_


End file.
